Proust told me -1

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The one thing more difficult than following a regimen is not imposing it on others.

This is the first post of my Proust for everyday series in which I intend to cover significant quotations from Marcel Proust’s books, which have made an impression on me.

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Where I belong

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Searching for the last verse of depth, to hold on
I sang an unheard song.
Climbing the fallen steps and withdrawn,
There I crawled to, where I belong.

Not where,the sparks they fancy ,
But a blanket to keep warm.

Not there with rapturous joy,
But a bottomless calm.

An unrest of unfamiliar, 
Kept pulling me down
An unexpected 
Stroke of novelty,
Painted a new dawn.

An eye that seeks,
And not one to look down
A brow that breeds will ,
And not one to frown on

With a hand that holds,
A strength to look upon,
I found my restless feet,
Planted firm on the ground

Rising to windy heights
Seemed too trivial and forlorn
There I came to find my roots,
Spreading deep and growing strong.

I Can and You Can

I can’t remember the moment when I realized what I wanted to do in life.As my mother tells me,that was the only thing that I enjoyed role-playing for hours .

I was fascinated by doctors since early childhood(as far as my memory goes).I tried to act as strong and brave as possible and grasp as much I could in my appointments with pediatricians and vaccination clinics. The fact that I was a somewhat of a sickly child, made me see them more often.

As Cerebral palsy was something I did not understand as a child, I would hear my family talk about my brother being “spastic”.I knew it to be a severe handicap without a cure.For years I saw him being moved in and out of Operation Theatres and i’d go to school early in the morning ,uncertain and anxious.I’d stay calm though .I could pray and wait.I would hear that surgery was successful and my brother would stay in hospital for days,catch infections,become critical then recover and come back home.

These things used to go on in the background as they were more or less planned events and things were never perfectly alright.I knew they could never be.But all this was a part of our lives ,then and was something not normal but usual.

Sometimes he would have seizures and there would be panic again .That was much later though.in the earlier years I was convinced that physiotherapy would show progress in him.Color ,music and speech therapy were tried too.I could sit for hours holding his hand ,coloring apples and bananas in his drawing book.

These were the years when I realized how Medical professionals could do something about so many things and bring hope.My basic instinct was strengthened over time with these experiences.

Then I lost my brother and became hopeless to the extent of doubting life and it’s worth.I had to do something about it and I had no idea what.I still wanted to be a doctor but I had to know how to do something that would make me feel less guilty and my life more meaningful.

some years later, I did become a doctor but the motivation in me had withered with time.I questioned the ability of medicine and my own abilities.I just wanted to make people happy and smile but a lot of them would just pass on in front of me.I did not want to become mechanical about my emotions and yet they were tiring me out and tying me down.I felt helpless when a life was lost.

I still prided at myself for being strong and calm in the heat of situation but it was affecting me internally.

A lot of other deaths in the family and relatives dejected by doctors made me wonder if I really was up for such a demanding course in life where death and suffering was inevitable and uncontrollable.

As I was still in the process, I had some conversation where It dawned upon me that the motive of a doctor is not only to save life but also to improve the mental and physical well-being of a person who is suffering.Not only to provide a treatment but a cure.

Taking care of my grandmother who is just waiting for her turn since my grandfather passed on, made me feel helpless again about having no solution to her problems.It was old age after all.there weren’t too many things that could cheer her up when she lost her sight.

But isn’t a life well lived happily more important than just living.Somethings are uncontrollable but there are hundred times more things which we can do as we desire.If only we try to make them happen.yes there are challenges but they are there to be challenged and overcome.

There are so many lives which are lost at an early age, there are lives which are meant to be saved.Some are saved and some are not.But for all those that are saved,if there wasn’t a doctor who decided to do his job well, they wouldn’t have been saved.

There are a lot of things that science or medicine hasn’t discovered yet.the things that we know are increasing by the day(number of volumes of my text books have for sure ;))

From 1915 through 1997, the infant mortality rate declined greater than 90% to 7.2 per 1000 live births, and from 1900 through 1997, the maternal mortality rate declined almost 99% to less than 0.1 reported death per 1000 live births (7.7 deaths per 100,000 live births in 1997) (3) {Source- CDC }

What do these figures show if not the phenomenal improvement in healthcare due to the more we know in medicine.

This shows that lives can be saved and improved if there is strong will and determination.And for those lives that are cut short too soon, the best possible care,support and therapy can still be provided to ensure enriching experiences and a content departure

This was thethe HBO documentary that motivated me to do something out of my education and experience.”

“Life According to Sam” .A 14 year old who waswas” older and wiser” than his age in numbers.He is no more with us today but I’m sure that his wish of doing something big is being fulfilled through many of us ,who he has inspired.

Living for Love

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Having grown up in the era of “cry till you are dehydrated” kind of romantic Bollywood movies, the idea of true , eternal, unconditional and selfless love was something that was taken up by me like a sponge soaking up water.

It’s my hen and egg story as I can’t recall if I started reading Jane Eyre ,shedding tears at Casablanca and Wuthering Heights first or it was the romance in me which drove me towards these things.

I enjoyed classics a lot and with modern times came rom-coms(meg ryan-tom hanks) kind.Even Richard gere and Julia Roberts make me weave a dream or two.

Even though times changed and practical constraints started  to make sense over being in a state of boundless euphoria ( which was not beyond my control), I was holding onto something without letting it touch surface.

I could curb my feelings and convince myself that this was delayed gratification.Discipline was something of high priority in my “to be” list .

Then came the age when I became lenient with myself.I enjoyed letting go and experiencing every minutest detail of my feelings to the fullest.Something would happen after sometime though and I would realise that it wasn’t what I was looking for .everything would seem wrong and claustrophbic.I wouldn’t even know what I actually wanted.

From one to another, the endless dilemma of finding the one (my enantiomer) wouldn’t end.I did stop in between in order to sort my thoughts and understand myself.

I am still in that process of self introspection.There were days I would search “how do you if you have found true love” on Google.Everyone had some insight and gave away useful pointers, but The idea of love was so subjective, that adhering to objective, one for all concepts seemed disrespectful.

With stars in my eyes, I did not abandon my perusal of lovelove, because in the circle of my instincts, it was at the center.Any ray of hope in that direction becomes a beaconing light  .

Out of all the things I am, can be and want to be, it took me time to accept that what I really wanted was to love and be loved and never again have to spend a moment doubting it.

As preposterous as that sounds , it maybe something no one could ever find at least while they were living.(I salute the ones who found it posthumously).Even though it may not be existing in it’s complete form, I want to believe that it can be built, with bits and pieces of wonderful memories and if not now , I’ll feel it after some years when I am done building it.And when it is done I’ll be glad that I took time for building something beautiful and enjoyed it thoroughly

dark mindedness

With each passing day, my mind seems to be opening darker alleys to my inner sight.The potential of my mind to play in the dark, amazes me and makes me wonder who or what I actually am. Is acceptance to my darker side , the solution to my confusion? Or am I over thinking and troubling myself over something that harbours in every mind and runs through everyone’s circulation. Each one of us has some quirk in us to our credit or lack of.Do our quirks make us abnormal or are they just some glimpses of our personality , locked up only to be visible to us?( like those photos on Facebook that only you can see and are hidden from others) We protect are darker instincts for the fear of being judged by our close ones.projecting one’s worthy qualities and thereof finding acceptance from people at large is what drives us. Some people reach the peaks of acceptance , that is , popularity, stardom.some of us just enjoy the healthy peaceful coexistence. But what about the dark side inside you?doesn’t it crave for acceptance and doesn’t it makes you feel guilty when you have to push it down and act responsible. What is the answer to this?

Flying Lanterns

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This has to be one animated movie that every young woman/girl must watch.

Thousands of lanterns flying in the sky.

The amazement on their faces.

How beautiful light is!

Such joy it brings to the heart.

What better metaphor other than Love.Love brings joy which has no bounds.

Lucky is the one,who can find such a love ,that guides ,leads ,brings joy and can fill the whole sky,like light.

tangled1 Isn’t this scene, a treat to the eyes?

tangled-2It just leaves me spellbound every time.The beauty of it all,the splendor.