Having grown up in the era of “cry till you are dehydrated” kind of romantic Bollywood movies, the idea of true , eternal, unconditional and selfless love was something that was taken up by me like a sponge soaking up water.
It’s my hen and egg story as I can’t recall if I started reading Jane Eyre ,shedding tears at Casablanca and Wuthering Heights first or it was the romance in me which drove me towards these things.
I enjoyed classics a lot and with modern times came rom-coms(meg ryan-tom hanks) kind.Even Richard gere and Julia Roberts make me weave a dream or two.
Even though times changed and practical constraints started to make sense over being in a state of boundless euphoria ( which was not beyond my control), I was holding onto something without letting it touch surface.
I could curb my feelings and convince myself that this was delayed gratification.Discipline was something of high priority in my “to be” list .
Then came the age when I became lenient with myself.I enjoyed letting go and experiencing every minutest detail of my feelings to the fullest.Something would happen after sometime though and I would realise that it wasn’t what I was looking for .everything would seem wrong and claustrophbic.I wouldn’t even know what I actually wanted.
From one to another, the endless dilemma of finding the one (my enantiomer) wouldn’t end.I did stop in between in order to sort my thoughts and understand myself.
I am still in that process of self introspection.There were days I would search “how do you if you have found true love” on Google.Everyone had some insight and gave away useful pointers, but The idea of love was so subjective, that adhering to objective, one for all concepts seemed disrespectful.
With stars in my eyes, I did not abandon my perusal of lovelove, because in the circle of my instincts, it was at the center.Any ray of hope in that direction becomes a beaconing light .
Out of all the things I am, can be and want to be, it took me time to accept that what I really wanted was to love and be loved and never again have to spend a moment doubting it.
As preposterous as that sounds , it maybe something no one could ever find at least while they were living.(I salute the ones who found it posthumously).Even though it may not be existing in it’s complete form, I want to believe that it can be built, with bits and pieces of wonderful memories and if not now , I’ll feel it after some years when I am done building it.And when it is done I’ll be glad that I took time for building something beautiful and enjoyed it thoroughly